Here Goes

I've been sitting and staring at the screen tonight and having trouble trying to figure out what to post.

Insomnia's a bitch. PMS is a bitch. The two of them together...oh God.

I was up till 6 am last night. Jeremy's a snorer. I am on occasion, but he is every night. It's not his fault - he had his face caved in by brass knuckles years ago, and as a result, he can't handle really spicy foods on a regular basis (messes with his sinuses), and he snores. Both the boys snore too. Most of the time I can sleep regardless, but one effect of PMS with me is that I have a very hard time falling asleep. So I pulled a clean blanket out of the dryer (love doing laundry, hate folding it), laid down on the couch, and tried to fall asleep. I finally succeeded, only to wake up at 9 am wondering why I only had one arm. I looked, and the other arm was there, but completely numb due to the fact that Jonah had gotten up at some point and crawled up next to me. Mom instincts kicked in while I was sleeping, and 3/4 of his 30-odd lbs was supported by my fully outstretched arm. The arm with nerve damage. I scooted him fully back onto the couch and tried to fall back asleep. At 10 am, I got 18 Twitter notifications, all heralded by my iPhone's least annoying text alert - the train whistle. I managed to doze back off again. Jeremy woke up shortly thereafter and sent me back to bed. I slept for a few more hours.

I got up, had some coffee, got dressed, cuddled the kids, had more coffee, then went to the cemetery to meet Joe (not J from Texas, and not Scotty-love's ex, but one of his best friends and a hell of an artist) so I could visit Scotty. It was cold, windy, gray, appropriate. I'm glad Joe was thinking ahead and brought a blanket to sit on. I had one in the back of the van, but I wouldn't have remembered it till I'd gotten to the site.

Scotty's way far away from the main gate. We hiked there. We sat on the blanket at the foot of the grave and talked about Scotty. I can't remember what I said, but I said something about Scotty and all of a sudden, I was surrounded in warmth. And let me remind you, it was freezing here. I had on two sweatshirts, a tee shirt, jeans, socks, and my Chucks, and I'd been shivering until that moment. I want to think it was a hug, like maybe he heard me and agreed with me. I hope so.

I hugged Joe when we left. He seems like a sweet kid, and I wish I had gotten to know him under different circumstances. For some reason, Scotty wanted to keep him to himself. I don't know why. I'm thinking about digging out the yarn left over from Scotty's Christmas scarf from 2009 and making Joe a similar one. Heart to heart, I think he'd appreciate the meaning behind the gesture.

I picked Diddy up from school, took him home, bought more smokes, then headed home. Then had to head out again shortly after for stuff for tacos. Then again after dinner for Benadryl because I'd forgotten it. Then when I got home, the PMS monster swallowed me whole.

I'm trying to keep it in check and remind myself that no one is entitled to anything in this world, but there's so much that I'm angry about. I'm angry that this area sucks - for every point you could give me saying it's a great place, I could match you with a negative one. Remember, I've spent the majority of my life here, I know it a hell of a lot better than a lot of people. I'm angry that I'm filled with questions that I don't have answers for. I'm angry at everyone who's ever let down or hurt any one of the people I love, and yes, on that list of piss-off my name is included. I'm not perfect. I try to learn from my mistakes and to not repeat them, which is more than most people do, so bite me if you don't like it. I'm angry that people can be so hateful. I'm angry at every arrogant asshole that can't pull their heads out of their own butt cracks and open their eyes and try to see through them with someone else's point of view. I'm angry for a moment every time I see something whiny about something stupid online, so I've been - and granted this may be unhealthy psychologically, but again, see my above statement of "bite me if you don't like it" - looking up stuff about Michigan ghost towns and shipwrecks and lighthouses. I've always been into certain history topics, and I've had a thing about lighthouses for some reason since I was about 4 months pregnant with Matthew, and there are a few ghost towns I'd love to check out, for the remnants of the old buildings. I'd love to go check out Sheldrake up in the UP, for example.  Anyway, it keeps me off sites like FMyLife. I've wanted to smack everyone on there for the past 12 days. I don't want to fuel this anger, so I'm staying off it.

I've got the start of a poem kicking around in the back of my head. I haven't written anything but recipes, status updates, tweets, and Facebook notes for a long time, so we'll see if it actually turns out. If it does, I'll post it here. If not, you'll never hear about it again.

I guess that's about all I've got for tonight. Hopefully I can come up with something better tomorrow.

Tell your loved ones you love them, every chance you get. And if you get pissed at them, try seeing it through their eyes before you react. They might be wrong, but you might be too.

<3