Dear Scotty,

So, I put your plate out tonight. According to my beliefs, you're traveling to everywhere you've ever been right now. I made cookies tonight, so I put two of them out for you, along with a little tin foil heart and the requisite tobacco.

It isn't getting any easier, but it isn't any harder either, if that makes any sense. I'm not sure. It's still fairly unreal to me, I guess. I made myself get dressed today. I needed a stamp so I could mail my state taxes, and Jeremy thought it would be good for me to get out of the house. I hadn't left since Saturday. Actually, I hadn't gotten dressed since Sunday. I was getting ready to throw on a huge tee shirt and a pair of sweats, but I stopped myself. I remembered I'd promised you I'd start trying to dress a little more girly for you. So I brushed my hair, put on some eye makeup, jeans (but ones that fit), and a v neck fitted shirt. I made an effort to smile at the clerk when I bought the stamp, and I let people go ahead of me at the four-way stops.

I don't know, kiddo. It's shitty, you know? I hope you met up with Matt and Corey - maybe you're schooling Corey at DDR or something while Matt laughs? Or maybe you and Matt are comparing your writing or drawing? Or maybe you've just got your back against a tree and are relaxing - God knows you never did enough of that.

I miss you so much. I keep clicking over to view my own profile on Facebook, because I know which of my statuses you commented on. I tweeted about you tonight to another artist, and I think I might go back on my meds for a little while. I want it to hurt that you're gone. I need it to hurt. But I've gotta take care of these kids too, and I know if anyone would understand that it's you.

I wish you could have seen Jonah dance. I know you would have enjoyed it, and maybe you would have taught him a couple different moves other than his current bounce up and down, spin in a circle, and shake his non-existent butt. Or maybe you just would have laughed.

I'm getting a tattoo for you. Or rather, I guess it's for me, but it's representative of you. You know, like my cook free or die tattoo is representative of me. Anyway, it's got rainbow stars in it. You'll like it.

I better get to bed now. I keep hoping I'll wake up and this will be a nightmare, but every day that hope gets a little fainter.

I love you,
Megan