Addendum to the earlier entry entitled me

(and yes, I know I can edit my posts. I think this can stand alone though)

I want to apologize. Grief is a selfish thing, I think. Like I repeatedly said, I've been in my own head a lot this week. I realize that other things are happening in the big wide world. I just can't seem to make myself care about them.

I'm pretty introspective by nature, and this has seemed to intensify that tendency.

People mourn in different ways. They have paid mourners over in Israel, I'm told. I read that once upon a time, it was the custom in a different country for a man's widow to set herself on fire and leap onto his funeral pyre. Some people block out the fact that it never happened. Some people get all aggressive and verbally attack anyone who doesn't offer condolences to their liking. Some people re-invent the deceased as someone completely different than who they were in life, ignore what their wishes were for their services, and accept condolences that belonged to someone else. *cough cough*

Me? This is my blog. To paraphrase Anthony Bourdain, "I cook, I write." Scotty had a tendency towards other artists. My food is my art. My writing is my art.

I am writing my way through my grief. It's selfish, but it's what I have to do. We all have our own ways of grieving, and mine is writing letters to my brother, analyzing what's going on in my head and putting it down here. If it helps someone else in the same situation, that's great. I think that that would make Scotty happy, and would be just the kind of thing he'd want to see happen. But as of this moment in time, 3:26 am, February 26'th, 2011, it's for me. So I can work through this and get back to being the mom, cook, daughter, lover that I was a week ago. Because for now, all I am is pain, regret, and a woman who has lost someone so dear that words cannot define it.