Dear Scotty,
I am alternating between shock, grief, and denial. Part of my brain keeps coughing up trite understatements like "he was too beautiful for this world" and "the brightest stars burn out the fastest." Another part keeps saying the doctors made a mistake, that there's no way this happened. And the rest of me just wants to kick and scream, punch holes through walls, set something on fire to watch it burn and hope the smoke carries my words to you, or an echo of your voice to my ears.
I had a dream last night that I was standing in your hospital room. You sat up and smiled at me and told me I'd been worrying over nothing. Were you telling me goodbye? I woke up, convinced of the dream's reality, only to get the voicemail notification that you were gone.
Scotty-love, I know you're watching me write this. I know you'd never cause anyone deliberate pain. I wonder if you know just how big the hole is that your loss has created. The edges are ragged and burnt, a wound beyond mending, beyond healing.
I remember camping on the beach with you. Drinking cheap wine coolers in my apartment in Mullet Lake, when you complimented the roses on my rug, directly addressing them, then curling up on the foot of my bed to sleep. I remember the hip-check dance we used to do when we fried chicken together at the Dam Site. I remember the night of candy and cheesecake after Eddie dumped me, the way you rushed offstage mid-performance to answer your phone when I called to tell you you had a new nephew. I remember how you choked up when we made you Jonah's godfather. I remember the night we snuck through Bay View in the dark, on foot, for the hell of it, the way we could never find your car when we walked out of WalMart after shopping. I remember the way you always glowed. I told everyone you were my sunshine, and it was true.
I was a fat, bitter, angry girl when I met you. You coaxed me out of that, convinced me to start dressing in something other than oversized tee shirts and baggy cargo pants, made me go shopping with you, refused to let me buy anything other than "girl clothes," and told me I was beautiful so many times I had no choice but to believe you. I could be in the foulest mood, or in the depths of the blackest depression, and the mere fact of your presence would make it a good day again.
Just by being you, you showed me and everyone else in your life the ideal of what a man should be. True, honest, faithful, loyal, an innate talent for seeing and bringing out the best in everyone. You had a trick of texting me at random, somehow sensing something in my life wasn't right. Usually the texts would read "I love you!!" but once, on a particularly rotten day, "I don't know if I've told you this, Meg, but you're one of the best sisters a guy could have. Much love."
You gave me so much, sweetie. Laughter, love, and the courage to be myself. You were as much my brother as if Mom had given birth to you. To hear you sing, to watch you dance was to experience pure joy, to feel my heart soar.
I've been watching your YouTube channel all day, alternating it with "Light and Day" by the Polyphonic Spree, because that song - the feel of it, the joy in the music and the way it soars with ease - has never failed to remind me of you.
You were light and peace, happiness, the sun after the rain, the epitome of light and joy and spirit in its purest form. The world is a cruel, cold, dark and lonely place without you. You burned like a star, and I miss you, o my brother.
With love forever,
Megan
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Rant
I don't believe you.
There is a creepy feeling in my gut that you lied. "Devil's advocate" is a story that just doesn't wash with me. And after 7 hours that's the best you could come up with?
If you'd just been honest, I would have forgiven and attempted to forget. I mean, everyone fucks up at least once, although in the course of this, I haven't made your mistake yet.
So for now, I watch. I wait. I try to decide what I will do, if anything.
If it happens again, I'm done. And while I may not be a rocket scientist, I am smart enough to find out if it does.
There is a creepy feeling in my gut that you lied. "Devil's advocate" is a story that just doesn't wash with me. And after 7 hours that's the best you could come up with?
If you'd just been honest, I would have forgiven and attempted to forget. I mean, everyone fucks up at least once, although in the course of this, I haven't made your mistake yet.
So for now, I watch. I wait. I try to decide what I will do, if anything.
If it happens again, I'm done. And while I may not be a rocket scientist, I am smart enough to find out if it does.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Jonah's Birth Story
On August 21, 2008, I was (I thought) 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant, huge, and waddling my way around the house. My Braxton-Hicks contractions were getting longer and more intense, and, in the hopes that I'd be going into labor soon, I had Jeremy take Matthew to the petting zoo at the county fair so that I could do some housework. I actually wanted to go to the fair with them, but my hips hurt when I took more than five steps in any direction, and I had a nightmare vision of my water breaking on the midway, traffic being terrible, and being forced to deliver in the first-aid tent. Funny, the things a pregnant woman's mind can conjure.
By 6:03 pm, the Braxton-Hicks were starting to feel like the real thing, so I started timing them. I was so ready to finally meet my little Jonah! At my last appointment, they'd suggested that I pick a birthday for him, since I was running the risk of needing an induction - I was only three cm dilated, not effaced at all, and Jonah hadn't dropped, not really. I remembered how painful Pitocin-aided contractions were (I was hooked up to a Pitocin drip for five hours with Matthew) and was eager to avoid that. So, since the appointment on Tuesday, I'd climbed up and down my basement stairs a minimum of sixteen times a day, had eaten a huge can of pineapple chunks, and had even attempted massaging that acupressure point on my ankle. So it was in desperation that I decided to get dinner for Jeremy, Matthew, and myself via the drive-thru at Wendy's. (If that last statement doesn't make sense, go back through my blog and read Matthew's birth story.)
I made it home with our food, with no trouble except a little disappointment. However, I noticed around nine pm that my contractions had settled into a regular pattern. I started re-doing all the housework I'd done over the past week, went up and down the basement stairs a few more times, and went up to the grocery store for milk for Matthew, since we were running low. By the time I got back from the store (a 2 minute drive from my house), my contractions were seven-eight minutes apart. I decided to take a shower. If it was false labor, the shower would make them stop and I wouldn't end up going to the hospital and embarrassing myself.
When I got out of the shower, the contractions had indeed slowed down and lessened in intensity. I felt like crying. Instead, I took a Tylenol PM and went to bed. I couldn't get comfortable - my hips were killing me, and I kept thinking about getting up and finding some uncleaned corner of the bathtub to scrub. Jonah was squirming inside me, and whatever he was doing, it certainly felt like he was trying to use his fingernails to dig his way to freedom. I finally fell asleep around two am . . . .
. . . . And woke up at 4:41 with the first real contraction. I immediately got up, went into the bathroom, dropped the lid on the toilet, and sat there, cell phone in hand, waiting for the next two. They came at 4:51 and 5:03. Okay. Not bad. Then the next three hit at 5:10, 5:17, and 5:24, respectively. The pain in my hips centered and strengthened. I hoped that that meant that he was engaging in the birth canal. Remembering my labor experience with Matthew, and everything I'd read over the course of both pregnancies, I started pacing the living room, stopping to squat each time a contraction hit, then recording the time. In between, I made a pot of coffee. By the time the alarm went off at 7:30, the contractions were 5-6 minutes apart. Jeremy seemed to be sleeping through the beeping, and I didn't want the alarm to wake Matthew up, so I went into the bedroom, shut it off, shook Jeremy, and said, "We're having a baby today."
Once Jeremy was up, I used my cell phone to call my parents - my dad had agreed to stay with Matthew while I was in labor, and my mom wanted to be there through the labor and delivery - while Jeremy used the land line to try to call Chef John and let him know he wouldn't be in to work for a while. I was able to get in touch with my parents fairly easily - they'd been waiting for a call like that for a few weeks. Chef was a challenge though. Jeremy told his roommate, and finally was able to get through to Chef down at City Park around 8:30. Chef's roomie had already called him, though, so he knew what was going on.
My parents arrived at 8:45 am. I called my doctor's office and told them what was going on. They asked me to come into the office instead of heading to the ER. I ran down my pre-written copy of Matthew's schedule with Dad, asked Mom to follow us in her car, gave Matthew several kisses and hugs, passed the keys to Jeremy, and we were off.
Mom told me she had to run to the grocery store to get Dad some root beer, and that she'd meet up with us. So, Jeremy dropped me off at the front door of Burns Clinic. I waited for him while he parked the van, and we went in together.
Dr. Wilder, my regular doctor, was on vacation, so I ended up seeing Dr. Wilcox. The nurse escorted Jeremy and I to one of his exam rooms. I removed my grey lounge shorts and undies, covered my laps with the giant paper drape, and began praying that this was it. Although Jonah wasn't technically due for three more days, the fact that they'd predicted his birth weight to be around 7 lbs had me scared. Matthew had weighed just under 6 lbs, and it had still taken me 22 hours to have him. Would I be able to birth Jonah too?
Dr. Wilcox finally came in. I told him how frequent the contractions were, and that I had super-intense pelvic pressure. He gave me a quick internal exam and told me that I was 75% effaced, dilated to a 4, and that they were going to send me up to labor and delivery. However, despite my belly looking like he had, Jonah still hadn't dropped past -1 station. I wasn't too concerned - Matthew had been at 0 station when my water broke with him.
My labor room was 179. They got me settled into bed, and Jeremy went downstairs to meet Mom and have a smoke. While he was gone, Dr. Wilcox and my nurse, Sarah, came in, hooked me up to the monitors, and broke my water. I looked at the clock when I felt the first gush of amniotic fluid - 9:50 am. I wondered if things would happen as quickly this time as they did for my sister - she gave birth to Jessica within an hour of having her water broken.
It didn't go that quickly.
The contractions were more intense than I remembered. And for some reason, it felt like Jonah was headbutting me in between contractions.
While they were still about 45 seconds long and 4 minutes apart, Travis stopped by with his girlfriend Robin. They were on their way to Marquette to take her back to school, so it was nice of Trav to stop in. They visited for a little while. I told Travis that I was having my tubes tied after Jonah was born, and he made a sad face and said "No, you can't! You're my nephew factory!"
Jeremy's dad, Big Al, and his younger brother, Little Al, arrived shortly after. They arrived in the middle of another internal exam. I'd dilated to 7 and was fully effaced, but Jonah was still hanging out in the same position he'd been in when I was admitted. Sarah decided to put me in the jacuzzi to see if that helped. She was getting concerned, especially when I told her that I really felt like I needed to push.
The contractions kept getting longer, stronger, and closer. I remembered how much the whirlpool bath had helped with Matthew, and I was anxious for the tub to finish filling; at this point I was writhing in pain and moaning my way through each contraction.
Jeremy came in and sat next to the tub once I lowered myself into the water. It hurt so badly to sit. I couldn't find a position that hurt less than any other. I gave it about 15-20 minutes, and nearly cried when I realized it wasn't going to help.
Back when I'd hit 5 cm, I'd asked about getting a walking epidural, and had been told that I couldn't have it until "labor was steadily progressing," because of the risk that it could cause labor to stall. Now, as I got out of the tub with Jeremy's assistance, dried off, and re-dressed myself, I wondered exactly what they had meant by "steadily progressing." My new fear was that they would let me labor for too long, that I'd miss my window, and that I'd end up delivering with no pain relief, the way that I'd birthed Matthew. At this point, I was exhausted and just wanted the pain to stop.
I got back to my bed. They hooked me up to Pitocin and a regular IV. Time ceased to have meaning. My body thrashed around on its own and I heard strange noises coming from my mouth. Jeremy tells me that at one point, I was making a sound like Matthew's jargoning. There was no break. Each contraction hit at least 150 on the monitor, coming every 90 seconds and lasting a full 60 seconds, the kind that indicate the end of transition and the readiness to push, and in the 30 seconds between the end of one and beginning of the next, I could feel Jonah headbutting me.
Sarah came and gave me a shot of Stadol. It didn't help. I wanted an epidural, morphine, ibuprofen, Tylenol, Midol, anything. Barring drugs, all I wanted was to push. She checked me again after saying that the way I was laboring, I should be at a 9 or 10 and ready to go. Nope. Still at a 7 - bad. Jonah still hadn't dropped any further - very bad. I'd stalled, despite what my body was doing.
Sarah went back over my chart, and paused in the middle of reading one of the pages. She asked, "How much did your older son weigh at birth?" I managed to gasp out that he'd weighed 5 lbs, 15.9 oz.
"And they had to use the vacuum extractor on him?"
"Yeah, cord . . . around . . . leg . . . bungee-jumped for hours," I gasped out.
Sarah shook her head. "I'm going to go check on your epidural. I'll be right back."
She returned five minutes later with Dr. Wilcox in tow. He told me that it was up to me, that I could keep on the way I was going and hope that labor began progressing again, or that - and that he recommended - I could consent to a C-section. I agreed to the C-section.
Everything blurs again here, a little. I remember signing consent forms. I remember Sarah coming in to prep me for surgery as much as possible. I remember begging Mom to bring Matthew up to the hospital to see me as soon as I got out of surgery, and crying because I missed him already. I remember being terrified about the surgery - I'd never really contemplated the possibility of a c-section once I'd hit 30 weeks and it had become obvious that my low-lying placenta had moved up - and at the same time, feeling a vast sense of relief that an end to this pain, so much worse than the pain of my previous delivery, was in sight. I remember thrashing around more. At some point, I contorted the wrong way and severely strained a couple muscles in my lower back. I remember Sarah telling me that they were setting up the OR for me, but that the anesthesiologist was held up somehow.
And then, finally, two new people entered the room. They moved me from the bed to a gurney, which, oddly enough, was more comfortable than the bed had been. I told them so, and they laughed and said that they were used to hearing the opposite. They wheeled me through the OR doors, pausing to let Dr. Wilcox run by, and parked my gurney in a dimly-lit area, then pulled a set of curtains around it.
Someone brought Jeremy a set of surgical cover-ups (hat and gown) and a hat for me. Although I was allowed to keep my glasses, they made me remove my nose ring. I heard people talking and the moans of another woman in labor. Sarah came in and gave me a shot which was supposed to stop my contractions. I think it was her who explained that there was an emergency patient who had to go before me. I was reassured that Dr. Wilcox was quick though, and that once the surgery had begun, the baby would be delivered in fifteen minutes. I laid there and waited. For some reason, the shot she'd given me didn't work.
Finally, they came for me. One more internal exam - still stuck at 7 cm, Jonah still in his original position - and they explained what was going to happen. They were going to take me in by myself, finish prepping me for surgery, and then bring Jeremy in. I told Jeremy "I love you" as they wheeled me away.
The OR was large and brightly-lit. After the near dark they'd had me in for an hour, the lights made me wince a little. They transferred me from the gurney to the table, which was even more comfortable. I had to lean forward as far as I could so that they could administer my epidural. While they were doing it, they explained why they'd made me wait for it for so long.
As I mentioned earlier, I'd requested an epidural. They had intended to do an intrathecal, aka a "walking epidural" - a much lower dose of medication that's delivered through an IV continually. It allows use of the legs, and allows you to retain some sensation of pain and enough abdominal muscular control to push. However, with me needing a cesarean, they were going to have to do a regular epidural. Sarah had inserted a Foley catheter when she prepped me for surgery, so that all that was left to do was numb me, hang the curtain, add iodine, and begin.
I leaned forward and asked how much the epidural would hurt. The anesthesiologist told me it wouldn't hurt at all. He gave me three injections of a local anesthetic first. It felt like someone had sprayed my back with hot cooking oil, then it turned ice-cold almost immediately. I didn't even feel pressure from the actual epidural, I just noticed that all of a sudden, my toes and the top half of my feet were completely numb. The sensation spread rapidly. The only basis of comparison I can come up with is that it's similar to the Novocaine you get from the dentist, only instead of my mouth, it went from just under my breasts all the way to the ends of my toes. I couldn't feel anything. It felt so good to be numb that I wanted to cry from relief, but didn't. I did thank the anesthesiologist several times, though. He asked me to tell him if I felt any tingling in my toes. I remember saying, "No, I don't feel anything, and it feels so good. If I didn't have a boyfriend I'd make out with you right now."
By 6:03 pm, the Braxton-Hicks were starting to feel like the real thing, so I started timing them. I was so ready to finally meet my little Jonah! At my last appointment, they'd suggested that I pick a birthday for him, since I was running the risk of needing an induction - I was only three cm dilated, not effaced at all, and Jonah hadn't dropped, not really. I remembered how painful Pitocin-aided contractions were (I was hooked up to a Pitocin drip for five hours with Matthew) and was eager to avoid that. So, since the appointment on Tuesday, I'd climbed up and down my basement stairs a minimum of sixteen times a day, had eaten a huge can of pineapple chunks, and had even attempted massaging that acupressure point on my ankle. So it was in desperation that I decided to get dinner for Jeremy, Matthew, and myself via the drive-thru at Wendy's. (If that last statement doesn't make sense, go back through my blog and read Matthew's birth story.)
I made it home with our food, with no trouble except a little disappointment. However, I noticed around nine pm that my contractions had settled into a regular pattern. I started re-doing all the housework I'd done over the past week, went up and down the basement stairs a few more times, and went up to the grocery store for milk for Matthew, since we were running low. By the time I got back from the store (a 2 minute drive from my house), my contractions were seven-eight minutes apart. I decided to take a shower. If it was false labor, the shower would make them stop and I wouldn't end up going to the hospital and embarrassing myself.
When I got out of the shower, the contractions had indeed slowed down and lessened in intensity. I felt like crying. Instead, I took a Tylenol PM and went to bed. I couldn't get comfortable - my hips were killing me, and I kept thinking about getting up and finding some uncleaned corner of the bathtub to scrub. Jonah was squirming inside me, and whatever he was doing, it certainly felt like he was trying to use his fingernails to dig his way to freedom. I finally fell asleep around two am . . . .
. . . . And woke up at 4:41 with the first real contraction. I immediately got up, went into the bathroom, dropped the lid on the toilet, and sat there, cell phone in hand, waiting for the next two. They came at 4:51 and 5:03. Okay. Not bad. Then the next three hit at 5:10, 5:17, and 5:24, respectively. The pain in my hips centered and strengthened. I hoped that that meant that he was engaging in the birth canal. Remembering my labor experience with Matthew, and everything I'd read over the course of both pregnancies, I started pacing the living room, stopping to squat each time a contraction hit, then recording the time. In between, I made a pot of coffee. By the time the alarm went off at 7:30, the contractions were 5-6 minutes apart. Jeremy seemed to be sleeping through the beeping, and I didn't want the alarm to wake Matthew up, so I went into the bedroom, shut it off, shook Jeremy, and said, "We're having a baby today."
Once Jeremy was up, I used my cell phone to call my parents - my dad had agreed to stay with Matthew while I was in labor, and my mom wanted to be there through the labor and delivery - while Jeremy used the land line to try to call Chef John and let him know he wouldn't be in to work for a while. I was able to get in touch with my parents fairly easily - they'd been waiting for a call like that for a few weeks. Chef was a challenge though. Jeremy told his roommate, and finally was able to get through to Chef down at City Park around 8:30. Chef's roomie had already called him, though, so he knew what was going on.
My parents arrived at 8:45 am. I called my doctor's office and told them what was going on. They asked me to come into the office instead of heading to the ER. I ran down my pre-written copy of Matthew's schedule with Dad, asked Mom to follow us in her car, gave Matthew several kisses and hugs, passed the keys to Jeremy, and we were off.
Mom told me she had to run to the grocery store to get Dad some root beer, and that she'd meet up with us. So, Jeremy dropped me off at the front door of Burns Clinic. I waited for him while he parked the van, and we went in together.
Dr. Wilder, my regular doctor, was on vacation, so I ended up seeing Dr. Wilcox. The nurse escorted Jeremy and I to one of his exam rooms. I removed my grey lounge shorts and undies, covered my laps with the giant paper drape, and began praying that this was it. Although Jonah wasn't technically due for three more days, the fact that they'd predicted his birth weight to be around 7 lbs had me scared. Matthew had weighed just under 6 lbs, and it had still taken me 22 hours to have him. Would I be able to birth Jonah too?
Dr. Wilcox finally came in. I told him how frequent the contractions were, and that I had super-intense pelvic pressure. He gave me a quick internal exam and told me that I was 75% effaced, dilated to a 4, and that they were going to send me up to labor and delivery. However, despite my belly looking like he had, Jonah still hadn't dropped past -1 station. I wasn't too concerned - Matthew had been at 0 station when my water broke with him.
My labor room was 179. They got me settled into bed, and Jeremy went downstairs to meet Mom and have a smoke. While he was gone, Dr. Wilcox and my nurse, Sarah, came in, hooked me up to the monitors, and broke my water. I looked at the clock when I felt the first gush of amniotic fluid - 9:50 am. I wondered if things would happen as quickly this time as they did for my sister - she gave birth to Jessica within an hour of having her water broken.
It didn't go that quickly.
The contractions were more intense than I remembered. And for some reason, it felt like Jonah was headbutting me in between contractions.
While they were still about 45 seconds long and 4 minutes apart, Travis stopped by with his girlfriend Robin. They were on their way to Marquette to take her back to school, so it was nice of Trav to stop in. They visited for a little while. I told Travis that I was having my tubes tied after Jonah was born, and he made a sad face and said "No, you can't! You're my nephew factory!"
Jeremy's dad, Big Al, and his younger brother, Little Al, arrived shortly after. They arrived in the middle of another internal exam. I'd dilated to 7 and was fully effaced, but Jonah was still hanging out in the same position he'd been in when I was admitted. Sarah decided to put me in the jacuzzi to see if that helped. She was getting concerned, especially when I told her that I really felt like I needed to push.
The contractions kept getting longer, stronger, and closer. I remembered how much the whirlpool bath had helped with Matthew, and I was anxious for the tub to finish filling; at this point I was writhing in pain and moaning my way through each contraction.
Jeremy came in and sat next to the tub once I lowered myself into the water. It hurt so badly to sit. I couldn't find a position that hurt less than any other. I gave it about 15-20 minutes, and nearly cried when I realized it wasn't going to help.
Back when I'd hit 5 cm, I'd asked about getting a walking epidural, and had been told that I couldn't have it until "labor was steadily progressing," because of the risk that it could cause labor to stall. Now, as I got out of the tub with Jeremy's assistance, dried off, and re-dressed myself, I wondered exactly what they had meant by "steadily progressing." My new fear was that they would let me labor for too long, that I'd miss my window, and that I'd end up delivering with no pain relief, the way that I'd birthed Matthew. At this point, I was exhausted and just wanted the pain to stop.
I got back to my bed. They hooked me up to Pitocin and a regular IV. Time ceased to have meaning. My body thrashed around on its own and I heard strange noises coming from my mouth. Jeremy tells me that at one point, I was making a sound like Matthew's jargoning. There was no break. Each contraction hit at least 150 on the monitor, coming every 90 seconds and lasting a full 60 seconds, the kind that indicate the end of transition and the readiness to push, and in the 30 seconds between the end of one and beginning of the next, I could feel Jonah headbutting me.
Sarah came and gave me a shot of Stadol. It didn't help. I wanted an epidural, morphine, ibuprofen, Tylenol, Midol, anything. Barring drugs, all I wanted was to push. She checked me again after saying that the way I was laboring, I should be at a 9 or 10 and ready to go. Nope. Still at a 7 - bad. Jonah still hadn't dropped any further - very bad. I'd stalled, despite what my body was doing.
Sarah went back over my chart, and paused in the middle of reading one of the pages. She asked, "How much did your older son weigh at birth?" I managed to gasp out that he'd weighed 5 lbs, 15.9 oz.
"And they had to use the vacuum extractor on him?"
"Yeah, cord . . . around . . . leg . . . bungee-jumped for hours," I gasped out.
Sarah shook her head. "I'm going to go check on your epidural. I'll be right back."
She returned five minutes later with Dr. Wilcox in tow. He told me that it was up to me, that I could keep on the way I was going and hope that labor began progressing again, or that - and that he recommended - I could consent to a C-section. I agreed to the C-section.
Everything blurs again here, a little. I remember signing consent forms. I remember Sarah coming in to prep me for surgery as much as possible. I remember begging Mom to bring Matthew up to the hospital to see me as soon as I got out of surgery, and crying because I missed him already. I remember being terrified about the surgery - I'd never really contemplated the possibility of a c-section once I'd hit 30 weeks and it had become obvious that my low-lying placenta had moved up - and at the same time, feeling a vast sense of relief that an end to this pain, so much worse than the pain of my previous delivery, was in sight. I remember thrashing around more. At some point, I contorted the wrong way and severely strained a couple muscles in my lower back. I remember Sarah telling me that they were setting up the OR for me, but that the anesthesiologist was held up somehow.
And then, finally, two new people entered the room. They moved me from the bed to a gurney, which, oddly enough, was more comfortable than the bed had been. I told them so, and they laughed and said that they were used to hearing the opposite. They wheeled me through the OR doors, pausing to let Dr. Wilcox run by, and parked my gurney in a dimly-lit area, then pulled a set of curtains around it.
Someone brought Jeremy a set of surgical cover-ups (hat and gown) and a hat for me. Although I was allowed to keep my glasses, they made me remove my nose ring. I heard people talking and the moans of another woman in labor. Sarah came in and gave me a shot which was supposed to stop my contractions. I think it was her who explained that there was an emergency patient who had to go before me. I was reassured that Dr. Wilcox was quick though, and that once the surgery had begun, the baby would be delivered in fifteen minutes. I laid there and waited. For some reason, the shot she'd given me didn't work.
Finally, they came for me. One more internal exam - still stuck at 7 cm, Jonah still in his original position - and they explained what was going to happen. They were going to take me in by myself, finish prepping me for surgery, and then bring Jeremy in. I told Jeremy "I love you" as they wheeled me away.
The OR was large and brightly-lit. After the near dark they'd had me in for an hour, the lights made me wince a little. They transferred me from the gurney to the table, which was even more comfortable. I had to lean forward as far as I could so that they could administer my epidural. While they were doing it, they explained why they'd made me wait for it for so long.
As I mentioned earlier, I'd requested an epidural. They had intended to do an intrathecal, aka a "walking epidural" - a much lower dose of medication that's delivered through an IV continually. It allows use of the legs, and allows you to retain some sensation of pain and enough abdominal muscular control to push. However, with me needing a cesarean, they were going to have to do a regular epidural. Sarah had inserted a Foley catheter when she prepped me for surgery, so that all that was left to do was numb me, hang the curtain, add iodine, and begin.
I leaned forward and asked how much the epidural would hurt. The anesthesiologist told me it wouldn't hurt at all. He gave me three injections of a local anesthetic first. It felt like someone had sprayed my back with hot cooking oil, then it turned ice-cold almost immediately. I didn't even feel pressure from the actual epidural, I just noticed that all of a sudden, my toes and the top half of my feet were completely numb. The sensation spread rapidly. The only basis of comparison I can come up with is that it's similar to the Novocaine you get from the dentist, only instead of my mouth, it went from just under my breasts all the way to the ends of my toes. I couldn't feel anything. It felt so good to be numb that I wanted to cry from relief, but didn't. I did thank the anesthesiologist several times, though. He asked me to tell him if I felt any tingling in my toes. I remember saying, "No, I don't feel anything, and it feels so good. If I didn't have a boyfriend I'd make out with you right now."
Then, I got dizzy. They'd given me a hefty dose of fentanyl in the epi, and between that and the exhaustion of two hours of sleep followed by nearly fifteen hours of labor, I was fighting the urge to nod off like crazy.
Before they'd taken me to the OR, in an effort to distract me, my mom had said, "When you get the epidural, no matter what, don't try to wiggle your toes. You won't be able to, and you'll panic." Now, as they helped me lay back on the table and placed the prongs of the oxygen tube in my nose, that statement popped into my head. Me being me, I had to try it, and of course, Mom was right. I didn't panic, though. I was so full of relief and fentanyl that I actually giggled a little.
I heard a door open and craned my head around as far as I could, accidentally dislodging my oxygen tube. They'd just let Jeremy in. I forgot momentarily that the arm with my IV was restrained and started to reach for him. They'd hung the curtain already, which was a relief. As desperate as I was to finally see Jonah, I was equally desperate to avoid seeing him "extracted." I scratched at one of the electrode stickers attached to my chest and watched Jeremy sit next to my head. I was starting to feel pretty panicky. This was a c-section, this was what I'd been hoping and trying and praying to avoid, this was what I'd never really seriously considered a possibility, this was MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY - but, as soon as my eyes met Jeremy's over his mask, my fear drained away. Jeremy has always had a calming effect on me, and this was no exception.
Dr. Wilcox got on the other side of the curtain and did something to my belly, asking if I could feel it. I felt motion in my breasts and back, but that was all, and I told him so. That was his cue to begin.
It was surreal, lying on my back, staring up at the lights, and hearing the conversation coming from the other side of the curtain, something about all the young guys coming to NMH to work as doctors, or something along those lines. Things remained in focus unless I moved my head, and then everything would blur. I felt my torso being jerked and tugged about, and I tried my best to let the 1/3 of my upper body still under my control remain limp. I felt someone - I don't know who - either lie on (or lean over and restrain) my chest, just under my breasts. They told Jeremy, after a few minutes, to look if he wanted to see Jonah's birth. He did. He says that it was weird, that it didn't look like my body because of all the iodine surrounding the incision site. He also says that, thanks to seeing surgeries on TV and all that iodine, that it was actually less traumatic for him to watch Jonah's birth than it was to watch Matthew's. As he watched, they lifted Jonah's head out first. He was in the proper head-down position, but from the look of his head molding, he had only been able to get a little bit of his head engaged, which probably explains the sensation of headbutting I'd been feeling. They moved him to the side and extracted one shoulder and arm. Then, he got snagged, so they had to move him all the way over to the other side to free his other arm and shoulder. After that, they lifted the rest of his body clear of mine, and Jonah Lee Gatica was born to the outside world. It was exactly 8:00 pm, August 22, 2008. At some point while birthing him, Dr. Wilcox said, "Yeah, that wasn't going to happen."
They cut the cord themselves, rather than letting Jeremy do it. I saw the back of the nurse as she carried Jonah to the sink to clean him up, get his weight and measurements, and do his Apgars. I had a sudden wild urge to throw myself off the table and drag myself over there so I could see my son, since they hadn't let me see him yet. Instead, I asked questions.
To Jeremy: "Does he look like Matthew?"
Jeremy: "Yes."
To Dr. Wilcox: "Is he big?"
Dr. Wilcox: "Yes. There's no way he was coming out any other way." Pause. "I'd say he's close to eight pounds."
Me: "Eight pounds?!?"
Dr. Wilcox: "Maybe not eight pounds exactly, but close."
Nurse who had my son: "Seven pounds, five ounces."
And then, I remembered. Jeremy had the digital camera in his pocket. I asked him to go take a picture and bring it back so that I could see Jonah. He did, and then went back and took a few more pictures.
Once Jonah was cleaned up and measured and had his Apgar score (he ended up getting a 9 both times), they dressed him, swaddled him, and handed him to Jeremy to show me. The anesthesiologist took the camera from Jeremy and snapped two pictures of the three of us. After that, they sent Jeremy and Jonah to recovery to wait for me, since they still had to do my tubal ligation and close me back up. It was somewhere around this point when they informed me that they had miscalculated my due date. The placenta was severely degraded - there was barely anything left of it. Dr. Wilcox estimated from looking at it, and at Jonah, that I should have been due August 5'th, not August 25'th. I was too tired to care at that point. It all hit me so hard right then.
Before they'd taken me to the OR, in an effort to distract me, my mom had said, "When you get the epidural, no matter what, don't try to wiggle your toes. You won't be able to, and you'll panic." Now, as they helped me lay back on the table and placed the prongs of the oxygen tube in my nose, that statement popped into my head. Me being me, I had to try it, and of course, Mom was right. I didn't panic, though. I was so full of relief and fentanyl that I actually giggled a little.
I heard a door open and craned my head around as far as I could, accidentally dislodging my oxygen tube. They'd just let Jeremy in. I forgot momentarily that the arm with my IV was restrained and started to reach for him. They'd hung the curtain already, which was a relief. As desperate as I was to finally see Jonah, I was equally desperate to avoid seeing him "extracted." I scratched at one of the electrode stickers attached to my chest and watched Jeremy sit next to my head. I was starting to feel pretty panicky. This was a c-section, this was what I'd been hoping and trying and praying to avoid, this was what I'd never really seriously considered a possibility, this was MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY - but, as soon as my eyes met Jeremy's over his mask, my fear drained away. Jeremy has always had a calming effect on me, and this was no exception.
Dr. Wilcox got on the other side of the curtain and did something to my belly, asking if I could feel it. I felt motion in my breasts and back, but that was all, and I told him so. That was his cue to begin.
It was surreal, lying on my back, staring up at the lights, and hearing the conversation coming from the other side of the curtain, something about all the young guys coming to NMH to work as doctors, or something along those lines. Things remained in focus unless I moved my head, and then everything would blur. I felt my torso being jerked and tugged about, and I tried my best to let the 1/3 of my upper body still under my control remain limp. I felt someone - I don't know who - either lie on (or lean over and restrain) my chest, just under my breasts. They told Jeremy, after a few minutes, to look if he wanted to see Jonah's birth. He did. He says that it was weird, that it didn't look like my body because of all the iodine surrounding the incision site. He also says that, thanks to seeing surgeries on TV and all that iodine, that it was actually less traumatic for him to watch Jonah's birth than it was to watch Matthew's. As he watched, they lifted Jonah's head out first. He was in the proper head-down position, but from the look of his head molding, he had only been able to get a little bit of his head engaged, which probably explains the sensation of headbutting I'd been feeling. They moved him to the side and extracted one shoulder and arm. Then, he got snagged, so they had to move him all the way over to the other side to free his other arm and shoulder. After that, they lifted the rest of his body clear of mine, and Jonah Lee Gatica was born to the outside world. It was exactly 8:00 pm, August 22, 2008. At some point while birthing him, Dr. Wilcox said, "Yeah, that wasn't going to happen."
They cut the cord themselves, rather than letting Jeremy do it. I saw the back of the nurse as she carried Jonah to the sink to clean him up, get his weight and measurements, and do his Apgars. I had a sudden wild urge to throw myself off the table and drag myself over there so I could see my son, since they hadn't let me see him yet. Instead, I asked questions.
To Jeremy: "Does he look like Matthew?"
Jeremy: "Yes."
To Dr. Wilcox: "Is he big?"
Dr. Wilcox: "Yes. There's no way he was coming out any other way." Pause. "I'd say he's close to eight pounds."
Me: "Eight pounds?!?"
Dr. Wilcox: "Maybe not eight pounds exactly, but close."
Nurse who had my son: "Seven pounds, five ounces."
And then, I remembered. Jeremy had the digital camera in his pocket. I asked him to go take a picture and bring it back so that I could see Jonah. He did, and then went back and took a few more pictures.
Once Jonah was cleaned up and measured and had his Apgar score (he ended up getting a 9 both times), they dressed him, swaddled him, and handed him to Jeremy to show me. The anesthesiologist took the camera from Jeremy and snapped two pictures of the three of us. After that, they sent Jeremy and Jonah to recovery to wait for me, since they still had to do my tubal ligation and close me back up. It was somewhere around this point when they informed me that they had miscalculated my due date. The placenta was severely degraded - there was barely anything left of it. Dr. Wilcox estimated from looking at it, and at Jonah, that I should have been due August 5'th, not August 25'th. I was too tired to care at that point. It all hit me so hard right then.
I know I nodded out momentarily a couple times, but still, it went fairly fast. Dr. Wilcox apologized for having made me labor for so long, and I just flopped my free hand at them - my throat was sore from yelling, and my mouth was dry and sticky. Two nurses lifted my limp body back onto a gurney and rolled me to recovery, which turned out to be the dark area where I'd awaited surgery.
Sarah had gone home for the night, and my new nurse's name was Christine. She brought me several thick warm blankets, which made me thankful - I was getting chilled for some reason. She explained to me that they had to keep me there until the epidural started to wear off, and that that would take about an hour. I asked her if I could breastfeed Jonah, and she helped me out. He nursed and nursed, and when he was full, he snuggled his chubby little cheek into my breast and fell asleep. I laid there and cuddled him until I was able to wiggle my toes and flex my upper thighs. At that point, they took me to a regular room. I got a big glass of ice water, hugs and kisses from Mom and Jeremy, Big Al and Little Al, and more painkillers in my IV. Finally, I was able to fall asleep. And when I did, I dreamed about taking my little Jonah home.
Sarah had gone home for the night, and my new nurse's name was Christine. She brought me several thick warm blankets, which made me thankful - I was getting chilled for some reason. She explained to me that they had to keep me there until the epidural started to wear off, and that that would take about an hour. I asked her if I could breastfeed Jonah, and she helped me out. He nursed and nursed, and when he was full, he snuggled his chubby little cheek into my breast and fell asleep. I laid there and cuddled him until I was able to wiggle my toes and flex my upper thighs. At that point, they took me to a regular room. I got a big glass of ice water, hugs and kisses from Mom and Jeremy, Big Al and Little Al, and more painkillers in my IV. Finally, I was able to fall asleep. And when I did, I dreamed about taking my little Jonah home.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Long Awaited Job Entry
Wow, I haven't updated in a few weeks. I'm so sorry!
I've been pretty busy trying to find my balance again. It seems like I spend a lot of time doing just that, but then the past three years have been admittedly crazy. Although I'm more stable now (emotionally at least) than I ever have been before, there have been sea changes in my life since 2007 and the advent of Matteo. One major one was when I quit City Park and got laid off from the shop, and began my eleven-month run as a stay-home mom (and more or less a miserable failure at it). And then, finally, I went back to work.
I'm cooking. Again. Finally. I had my first day of work at the Sage (part of the Odawa Casino Resort) on July 14'th. I'm full-time, but seasonal, which means there's a strong chance I'll be laid off in September, unless they decide to figure out a way to keep me. However, with any luck, I can either transfer to a different job within the company, and return to the Sage next spring, or else accept the lay-off and return next spring.
I love my job. It's been a while since I could say that whole-heartedly. I'm the gar-mo (garde-manger), which basically means I do salads, some apps, and desserts when I have the time. Here's our menu. The grilled pizza is my personal favorite, sans olives.
I can't say enough good things about working there. It's just as much pressure as working the line at City Park, but pressure of a different sort. City Park is great at what they do, don't get me wrong, but the Sage is a whole different thing. City Park is far more casual than the Sage, for one thing. Sage is gourmet. Sage is fancy plating, frisee with charred tomato vinaigrette, beef so tender that you can literally fork-cut it, supremed oranges to accompany the sauteed crab cakes...anyway..... So there's more pressure to make the plates look good. There's the pressure of being the new kid, of course. And the fact that there's a security camera blatantly jutting from the ceiling right in front of my station. Whether it's focused on me or not, I have no way of knowing (it's in a dark glass dome). Not that I'm camera-shy, lol, I just pretend I'm doing a demo on Food TV half the time. The other half of the time, I forget it's there.
My co-workers are pretty cool too.
I've already dropped a few pounds - to get to the employee doors for the kitchen, I have to basically walk across the entire casino, then up three flights of stairs. The employee bathroom is at the foot of those stairs. So, lots of exercise there. That's a good thing though, I was getting pudgy again.
I've learned so much already too in the two weeks I've been there. Like, how to supreme an orange, how to clean a head of frisee, the fact that pumpkin seeds are a far superior add-in to brittle than peanuts or almonds, what a banana financier is, and a new technique for slicing tomatoes. The fact that I'm getting to fill in some of the gaps in my culinary knowledge is priceless to me. And the Sage will look great on my resume.
In other news....
I had to get a new phone and number the other day. AT&T is a company comprised of brigands and douchebags. So I switched over to Boost Mobile. My phone's a little odd, but I'm so glad Jeremy got it for me. I was really hating not being able to text anyone. It's a Motorola Clutch. My only problem with it is the early '90's style graphics and display, and the fact that it doesn't deliver about 25% of my incoming text messages. But, now that I'm with Boost, I'll be able to get either the Motorola i1 (Android phone) or a Blackberry Curve once we're caught up on bills. I'm torn between the two. I'd love to try out the Android technology, but I've heard some great things about Crackberries too, so we'll see.
The kids are finally starting to adjust to Mommy working again. Matthew gets a big kick out of going to pick up Diddy on the days he babysits. He'll get himself 3/4 dressed (I have to help him get his shirt over his head sometimes, and occasionally his pull-up will get snagged in his waistband), then grab my wrist, lead me to the door, and say "Trip? Go? Car? Dribing? Get Diddys?" I love it. I also am so happy that Diddy's been babysitting for me. For one thing, day care is prohibitively expensive. For another, I don't really trust daycares. I trust Diddy. He's good with the boys, and they love him. Plus he isn't going to freak out if they decide to strip down to their pull-ups, or if I haven't had a chance to run the vacuum. I'm so lucky to have him.
I still have to try to figure out a balance between work and housework. Hopefully, now that I'm used to going to work again, I'll be able to do that this week. I do the majority of the cleaning around here, and as much of a wimp as it makes me sound, the 40+ hours a week at the Sage, plus all those damn stairs, has had me fairly wiped out. I think I'm going to try to draw myself up a chore chart - a few things a day - and try to do that. I miss how clean my place on Clarion was. Of course, that was before I had two kids under the age of 4, but still. Fingers crossed I can find that balance, lol.
Man, it feels so good to be making money again!
That's all I've got for tonight. I'll try to get a picture of myself in my work uniform tomorrow, and I'll post it.
I've been pretty busy trying to find my balance again. It seems like I spend a lot of time doing just that, but then the past three years have been admittedly crazy. Although I'm more stable now (emotionally at least) than I ever have been before, there have been sea changes in my life since 2007 and the advent of Matteo. One major one was when I quit City Park and got laid off from the shop, and began my eleven-month run as a stay-home mom (and more or less a miserable failure at it). And then, finally, I went back to work.
I'm cooking. Again. Finally. I had my first day of work at the Sage (part of the Odawa Casino Resort) on July 14'th. I'm full-time, but seasonal, which means there's a strong chance I'll be laid off in September, unless they decide to figure out a way to keep me. However, with any luck, I can either transfer to a different job within the company, and return to the Sage next spring, or else accept the lay-off and return next spring.
I love my job. It's been a while since I could say that whole-heartedly. I'm the gar-mo (garde-manger), which basically means I do salads, some apps, and desserts when I have the time. Here's our menu. The grilled pizza is my personal favorite, sans olives.
I can't say enough good things about working there. It's just as much pressure as working the line at City Park, but pressure of a different sort. City Park is great at what they do, don't get me wrong, but the Sage is a whole different thing. City Park is far more casual than the Sage, for one thing. Sage is gourmet. Sage is fancy plating, frisee with charred tomato vinaigrette, beef so tender that you can literally fork-cut it, supremed oranges to accompany the sauteed crab cakes...anyway..... So there's more pressure to make the plates look good. There's the pressure of being the new kid, of course. And the fact that there's a security camera blatantly jutting from the ceiling right in front of my station. Whether it's focused on me or not, I have no way of knowing (it's in a dark glass dome). Not that I'm camera-shy, lol, I just pretend I'm doing a demo on Food TV half the time. The other half of the time, I forget it's there.
My co-workers are pretty cool too.
I've already dropped a few pounds - to get to the employee doors for the kitchen, I have to basically walk across the entire casino, then up three flights of stairs. The employee bathroom is at the foot of those stairs. So, lots of exercise there. That's a good thing though, I was getting pudgy again.
I've learned so much already too in the two weeks I've been there. Like, how to supreme an orange, how to clean a head of frisee, the fact that pumpkin seeds are a far superior add-in to brittle than peanuts or almonds, what a banana financier is, and a new technique for slicing tomatoes. The fact that I'm getting to fill in some of the gaps in my culinary knowledge is priceless to me. And the Sage will look great on my resume.
In other news....
I had to get a new phone and number the other day. AT&T is a company comprised of brigands and douchebags. So I switched over to Boost Mobile. My phone's a little odd, but I'm so glad Jeremy got it for me. I was really hating not being able to text anyone. It's a Motorola Clutch. My only problem with it is the early '90's style graphics and display, and the fact that it doesn't deliver about 25% of my incoming text messages. But, now that I'm with Boost, I'll be able to get either the Motorola i1 (Android phone) or a Blackberry Curve once we're caught up on bills. I'm torn between the two. I'd love to try out the Android technology, but I've heard some great things about Crackberries too, so we'll see.
The kids are finally starting to adjust to Mommy working again. Matthew gets a big kick out of going to pick up Diddy on the days he babysits. He'll get himself 3/4 dressed (I have to help him get his shirt over his head sometimes, and occasionally his pull-up will get snagged in his waistband), then grab my wrist, lead me to the door, and say "Trip? Go? Car? Dribing? Get Diddys?" I love it. I also am so happy that Diddy's been babysitting for me. For one thing, day care is prohibitively expensive. For another, I don't really trust daycares. I trust Diddy. He's good with the boys, and they love him. Plus he isn't going to freak out if they decide to strip down to their pull-ups, or if I haven't had a chance to run the vacuum. I'm so lucky to have him.
I still have to try to figure out a balance between work and housework. Hopefully, now that I'm used to going to work again, I'll be able to do that this week. I do the majority of the cleaning around here, and as much of a wimp as it makes me sound, the 40+ hours a week at the Sage, plus all those damn stairs, has had me fairly wiped out. I think I'm going to try to draw myself up a chore chart - a few things a day - and try to do that. I miss how clean my place on Clarion was. Of course, that was before I had two kids under the age of 4, but still. Fingers crossed I can find that balance, lol.
Man, it feels so good to be making money again!
That's all I've got for tonight. I'll try to get a picture of myself in my work uniform tomorrow, and I'll post it.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Updates
Jonah's healing nicely.
We're past the Neosporin-on-a-gauze-pad phase. We ended up picking up a tube of the Neosporin plus pain relief. That stuff is amazing. If I get this job at the casino, I'm picking up a tube to keep in my knife roll for minor burns. Now we're into the Vaseline-on-a-gauze-pad phase, for the next couple of days.
It doesn't seem to be causing Jonah much pain, except for when he's running and does the splits on accident, or right around bedtime when he's been active all day. Nothing a dose of Tylenol can't fix. It looks to be healing up quite well too. The stitches are dissolving, and most of the redness is gone. His peep doesn't have the "collar" on it that every other circumcised penis that I've seen has, but that's just a cosmetic thing, and perhaps it'll form. If not, I don't really care. The important thing is that it's been mended.
I haven't heard from the casino yet, but it's a holiday weekend. Hopefully I'll know by Wednesday.
I'm still without a street-legal vehicle, so tonight, I got to walk down to Family Video to return a movie of Diddy's that I'd forgotten to take back, then up to the store to get Jonah more Tylenol - the store in question being WalMart. I hate going there, and if I'd had a bit more energy I would have gone to Meijer's, but I just couldn't do it. My legs were seizing up, my back was screaming at me, and I was cursing the state laws that require tags to be renewed every year. All total, I had nearly a 7 mile hike tonight. I had to take a long hot shower to get my muscles to relax enough to bend forward. But, Jonah got his Tylenol, and that's all that matters.
I've been browsing online for a new vehicle. If I get this job, I'd like to start trying to sock away $15 per paycheck toward a down payment. The van's got over 207,000 miles on it, and while it still runs fairly reliably, I'd like to have something a little newer, especially for Flint trips. I'll probably go through Tailored Enterprises again - the whole parking ticket fiasco really did a number on my credit.
My phone's still shut off. Another reason I hope I get the job.
For anyone thinking about making a donation to the blog, as a wonderful girl did recently, I'm having paypal issues. I can accept donations through Jeremy's paypal, however, so leave me a comment with your email, and I'll send you his paypal address.
That's about all I've got tonight. I'm exhausted.
We're past the Neosporin-on-a-gauze-pad phase. We ended up picking up a tube of the Neosporin plus pain relief. That stuff is amazing. If I get this job at the casino, I'm picking up a tube to keep in my knife roll for minor burns. Now we're into the Vaseline-on-a-gauze-pad phase, for the next couple of days.
It doesn't seem to be causing Jonah much pain, except for when he's running and does the splits on accident, or right around bedtime when he's been active all day. Nothing a dose of Tylenol can't fix. It looks to be healing up quite well too. The stitches are dissolving, and most of the redness is gone. His peep doesn't have the "collar" on it that every other circumcised penis that I've seen has, but that's just a cosmetic thing, and perhaps it'll form. If not, I don't really care. The important thing is that it's been mended.
I haven't heard from the casino yet, but it's a holiday weekend. Hopefully I'll know by Wednesday.
I'm still without a street-legal vehicle, so tonight, I got to walk down to Family Video to return a movie of Diddy's that I'd forgotten to take back, then up to the store to get Jonah more Tylenol - the store in question being WalMart. I hate going there, and if I'd had a bit more energy I would have gone to Meijer's, but I just couldn't do it. My legs were seizing up, my back was screaming at me, and I was cursing the state laws that require tags to be renewed every year. All total, I had nearly a 7 mile hike tonight. I had to take a long hot shower to get my muscles to relax enough to bend forward. But, Jonah got his Tylenol, and that's all that matters.
I've been browsing online for a new vehicle. If I get this job, I'd like to start trying to sock away $15 per paycheck toward a down payment. The van's got over 207,000 miles on it, and while it still runs fairly reliably, I'd like to have something a little newer, especially for Flint trips. I'll probably go through Tailored Enterprises again - the whole parking ticket fiasco really did a number on my credit.
My phone's still shut off. Another reason I hope I get the job.
For anyone thinking about making a donation to the blog, as a wonderful girl did recently, I'm having paypal issues. I can accept donations through Jeremy's paypal, however, so leave me a comment with your email, and I'll send you his paypal address.
That's about all I've got tonight. I'm exhausted.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Jonah's Surgery
...was today.
We got to the hospital shortly before 8:00 am and checked in with ambulatory surgery. They had told us to go ahead and bring him in in his pj's, since it was fairly early in the morning, but to bring a change of comfy clothes along to take him home in. So he wore his red fleece footie pajamas with the black dog-bone print there, and I packed his Harley-Davidson hoodie and some baggy khaki shorts for the trip home.
We hung out in the waiting room and read books to Jonah and played with him till around 9:15, when a nurse came and got us. She took us to a corridor with gurneys surrounded by hanging sheets and had us wait there for a few minutes. She came back, did his height, weight, blood pressure, and pulse, and had us confirm his name, date of birth, and told us to describe in our own words what procedure he was having done. For some reason, my choice of the phrase "he's here to have his botched circumcision repaired" seemed to strike her as amusing.
We waited there for a few more minutes, and then they took us to the pre-op room, where they did his blood pressure and pulse again and reviewed his medical history. She went to check and see what time he was supposed to start surgery. She came back at 9:29 and said that the OR was booked for Jonah at 9:30, so it should be any time now. We changed him into a fresh diaper and his hospital johnny and waited. She came back again to let us know that they were running about fifteen or twenty minutes behind on that operating room.
Twenty-one minutes later, the anesthesiologist came in. He introduced himself (I forget his name), and explained his part of the procedure to us. He was going to have the nurse-anesthesiologist come in and give Jonah a dose of a mild tranquilizer first, just to relax him before taking him away from us. Once he was in the OR, they'd use a gas through a mask, rather than subject him to an injection. He would be on an IV throughout the procedure, as well as on forced air. They would have both the anesthesiologist and the nurse-anesthesiologist there, as well as the surgeon and the surgical nurse, there at all times throughout the procedure. After it was done, there would be two nurses with him, one of them having swaddled him in a warm blanket, at all times until we were allowed into post-op once he came out from under the drugs. He would not be waking up on a gurney or bed, but rather, in the arms of one of the nurses. This is done for two different reasons. One is that some children come out of the haze wild and trying to thrash all over the place, and having them swaddled and held prevents them falling and injuring themselves, thus reducing the hospital's liability. The other reason, and the one I prefer, is that it's a little less traumatic, especially for a cuddly little guy like Jonah, to wake up warm and in someone's arms than lying in a strange bed under fluorescent lights with strangers staring at you.
He left, and the nurse-anesthesiologist came in and gave Jonah an oral dose of a pink liquid - Versed, the tranquilizer. She explained more of how the procedure would go - that we would have to leave post-op and go back to the waiting room until they came for us, that Dr. Topley (the surgeon) would come give us a report as soon as Jonah's procedure was over, that we wouldn't be allowed in to see him in post-op until he woke up (which really bugged me - I would think it would be better for him to wake up in MY arms or his father's as opposed to a stranger's, but then, I'm not a medical professional), and that the procedure should take 30 to 40 minutes.
The Versed started kicking in. Jonah was already tired - he was at that point well-overdue for his morning nap - and his eyes started crossing and rolling back in his head. The anesthesiologist came back in, saw that it was working, put the sides up on the gurney, and started to wheel Jonah out. Jonah stretched his arms up to him, and opened and closed his hands rapidly - Jonah-sign for "pick me up, hug me, love me." The anesthesiologist looked to us for permission, and when we nodded, he cuddled him right up into his arms and carried him away. The nurses came back for the gurney.
Jeremy and I went to the waiting room. We took Jonah's pj's out to the car, had a super-rapid cigarette - they'd had us give our cell number just in case we weren't in the waiting room and they needed us - and then ran back inside. We stopped in at the gift shop for Jeremy to get a snack, then hustled back to the waiting room.
My mom, being the totally awesome mom that she is, not only was at our house watching Matthew, but had loaned us her car to take to the hospital, since the van's tags are expired, we have no car insurance, and no money to get either at the moment. I texted her to tell her what was going on, and to see how Matthew was doing. I drank a couple cups of lousy hospital coffee - there's a Roast n Toast at Burns Clinic, but that's at the other end of the hospital complex and I didn't want to go that far away just to satisfy a caffeine jones. I read a Northern Express, a Women's Day, and a Vanity Fair. Then I stared at the TV - the Today show was on, I think, followed by Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And we waited. And we waited.
An hour later, Dr. Topley called us back to the consult room. He told us that everything was fine. It had taken longer than expected because of the number and level of adhesions. Jonah had quite a serious case of phimosis. He gave us the after-care instructions and told us he wanted to see Jonah again in 3-4 weeks for a check-up. My brain had locked onto the words "number, level, adhesions." I said, "So, we had to do this then." It was a stupid statement, totally brainless; I knew it had to get done. I'd done research. We'd known it was necessary since Jonah was five days old. I think what I was looking for was reassurance that the pain that my son was going to suffer was needed, wasn't cosmetic but medically required. And Dr. Topley knew that that's why I'd said that. He said "yes. It had to be done. He was completely bound up." He reassured us that Jonah would be just fine, and that we'd be able to see him as soon as he started waking up.
We sat back down. I called Mom to give her the update. She told me that Matthew had been an angel - he always is for other people, lol - and that he'd been speaking 3/4 English and 1/4 Matthew speak all morning, and a lot of both. We hung up. I sat back down by Jeremy and reviewed the aftercare instructions in my head - which were identical to the newborn circ care. I made a list in my head of the stuff we'd need to get.
Finally - about fifteen to twenty minutes later, the nurse came for us. We had to stop at the restroom so I could pee - too much hospital coffee hit at the exact worst moment - and then we followed the signs to get to post-op. We could hear Jonah screaming. We got in the room.
His eyes were going in two different directions, but his howls were rage more than pain. His hand with the IV needle was strapped to some sort of stabilizer and wrapped in an Ace bandage. It was making him furious. He kept trying to claw at it. The nurse immediately handed him off to us - Jonah wanted me (mommy's boy) - and I started rocking him and whispering to him. He thrashed and roared and screamed and sobbed, and I couldn't help it, I started crying too. Worst thing to do, I think - I really didn't want him picking up on any negative emotions from me and feeding off them - but I couldn't help it. I'd been running on adrenaline, coffee, and steel will since Monday, and it all came down at once, at the sound of my baby in panic and distress. He clawed the needle out. They had to call a second nurse. He shook his hand and flung it, then bent and tried to claw off the hospital bracelets on his ankle. They turned the lights down and left us alone with him for a minute. I tried to get my crying under control - hell, I'm choking up now writing about it - while they were gone. The pre-op nurse came back with some apple juice in a cup with a straw. Jonah's tears and yells immediately ceased and he lunged for the cup with both hands. He sucked it dry, then thrust it back at her and started crying again. She stood there for a minute, until we told her he was still thirsty and wanted more apple juice. She said she'd just bring the container to pour into the cup, and then she'd let us get him calmed down for fifteen minutes or so before discharging us.
Jonah sucked down the second round of apple juice in about 90 seconds. I refilled the cup with water, which he immediately drained. I felt even more terrible for him - he hadn't been allowed any water since 5:00 am, and no food since 11:55 pm. Since he'd fallen asleep around 1:30, he hadn't had either since 11:55 pm the previous night. It was 1:20 pm. He must have been starving. To make it just a little more worse, he had gas from the air, and from his dinner the night before (beef stroganoff). He went back and forth between Jeremy and I for a while, then finally settled back into his drug-induced haze. We got him out of the johnny, peeled the electrode-things from his chest, and got him dressed. She came back and had us sign some stuff, and we were free to leave.
We stopped off at the Dollar Tree to pick up gauze pads, Vaseline, Neosporin, decongestants for me, and children's Tylenol for Jonah. They had everything but the Tylenol, so that necessitated another stop, this one at the grocery store by our house. And then, finally, at 1:45 pm, we had Jonah home.
The technical name for what was wrong with him is "incomplete circumcision" and "phimosis." Basically, it's as I described in my previous entry. Not enough skin was taken off, and his foreskin became too tight. Had we not had the procedure done, he would have developed difficulty with urination and with erections. He had already started showing the erection difficulty - little boys tend to get hard when they're having their diapers changed and when they're being bathed, it just happens. Jonah would get about halfway there, then make a grimacing face.
In uncircumcised boys, phimosis usually develops at the age of 2 and lasts until they are 12. Jonah's started developing between the age of 1-2 weeks. In other words, not good.
According to Dr. Topley, the phimosis went for nearly the entire length of his penis. In other words, had we not had this done, once he'd gotten past puberty, he would most likely have been unable to achieve an erection at all. (This is my inference from what he said and from my research.) Also, phimosis is linked to penile ulcers and, strangely enough, to diabetes.
It had to be done.
I have to keep telling myself this.
It had to be done.
I tell myself this through every agonizing diaper and dressing change. Urination makes him scream. Changing the dressing results in ten to fifteen minutes of heart-rending sobs. The fact that he has a cold on top of this all does not help in the slightest.
For the next two days, we have to coat a piece of gauze in Neosporin and wrap it around his penis. After that, Vaseline for a few more days. He has dissolving stitches (THANK GOD, I can't imagine trying to take him in to get regular ones removed). No immersion baths for a week. I'm going to have to try to get some dry shampoo for him, I think. I can't just wash his head over the sink - he won't stay still for it, he splashes water every chance he gets, and there's just too much risk for injury there. He has his re-check in 3-4 weeks. He gets two children's Tylenol meltaway tablets every four hours for the pain. (The proper dosage - he weighs 29 lbs.)
The next two to four days are going to be hell for my baby.
But it had to be done.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
And thank God and every deity there is from every possible pantheon that he won't remember it.
pre-op.
pre-op
post-op. Pretty groggy
post-op again. Enjoying his apple juice
We got to the hospital shortly before 8:00 am and checked in with ambulatory surgery. They had told us to go ahead and bring him in in his pj's, since it was fairly early in the morning, but to bring a change of comfy clothes along to take him home in. So he wore his red fleece footie pajamas with the black dog-bone print there, and I packed his Harley-Davidson hoodie and some baggy khaki shorts for the trip home.
We hung out in the waiting room and read books to Jonah and played with him till around 9:15, when a nurse came and got us. She took us to a corridor with gurneys surrounded by hanging sheets and had us wait there for a few minutes. She came back, did his height, weight, blood pressure, and pulse, and had us confirm his name, date of birth, and told us to describe in our own words what procedure he was having done. For some reason, my choice of the phrase "he's here to have his botched circumcision repaired" seemed to strike her as amusing.
We waited there for a few more minutes, and then they took us to the pre-op room, where they did his blood pressure and pulse again and reviewed his medical history. She went to check and see what time he was supposed to start surgery. She came back at 9:29 and said that the OR was booked for Jonah at 9:30, so it should be any time now. We changed him into a fresh diaper and his hospital johnny and waited. She came back again to let us know that they were running about fifteen or twenty minutes behind on that operating room.
Twenty-one minutes later, the anesthesiologist came in. He introduced himself (I forget his name), and explained his part of the procedure to us. He was going to have the nurse-anesthesiologist come in and give Jonah a dose of a mild tranquilizer first, just to relax him before taking him away from us. Once he was in the OR, they'd use a gas through a mask, rather than subject him to an injection. He would be on an IV throughout the procedure, as well as on forced air. They would have both the anesthesiologist and the nurse-anesthesiologist there, as well as the surgeon and the surgical nurse, there at all times throughout the procedure. After it was done, there would be two nurses with him, one of them having swaddled him in a warm blanket, at all times until we were allowed into post-op once he came out from under the drugs. He would not be waking up on a gurney or bed, but rather, in the arms of one of the nurses. This is done for two different reasons. One is that some children come out of the haze wild and trying to thrash all over the place, and having them swaddled and held prevents them falling and injuring themselves, thus reducing the hospital's liability. The other reason, and the one I prefer, is that it's a little less traumatic, especially for a cuddly little guy like Jonah, to wake up warm and in someone's arms than lying in a strange bed under fluorescent lights with strangers staring at you.
He left, and the nurse-anesthesiologist came in and gave Jonah an oral dose of a pink liquid - Versed, the tranquilizer. She explained more of how the procedure would go - that we would have to leave post-op and go back to the waiting room until they came for us, that Dr. Topley (the surgeon) would come give us a report as soon as Jonah's procedure was over, that we wouldn't be allowed in to see him in post-op until he woke up (which really bugged me - I would think it would be better for him to wake up in MY arms or his father's as opposed to a stranger's, but then, I'm not a medical professional), and that the procedure should take 30 to 40 minutes.
The Versed started kicking in. Jonah was already tired - he was at that point well-overdue for his morning nap - and his eyes started crossing and rolling back in his head. The anesthesiologist came back in, saw that it was working, put the sides up on the gurney, and started to wheel Jonah out. Jonah stretched his arms up to him, and opened and closed his hands rapidly - Jonah-sign for "pick me up, hug me, love me." The anesthesiologist looked to us for permission, and when we nodded, he cuddled him right up into his arms and carried him away. The nurses came back for the gurney.
Jeremy and I went to the waiting room. We took Jonah's pj's out to the car, had a super-rapid cigarette - they'd had us give our cell number just in case we weren't in the waiting room and they needed us - and then ran back inside. We stopped in at the gift shop for Jeremy to get a snack, then hustled back to the waiting room.
My mom, being the totally awesome mom that she is, not only was at our house watching Matthew, but had loaned us her car to take to the hospital, since the van's tags are expired, we have no car insurance, and no money to get either at the moment. I texted her to tell her what was going on, and to see how Matthew was doing. I drank a couple cups of lousy hospital coffee - there's a Roast n Toast at Burns Clinic, but that's at the other end of the hospital complex and I didn't want to go that far away just to satisfy a caffeine jones. I read a Northern Express, a Women's Day, and a Vanity Fair. Then I stared at the TV - the Today show was on, I think, followed by Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? And we waited. And we waited.
An hour later, Dr. Topley called us back to the consult room. He told us that everything was fine. It had taken longer than expected because of the number and level of adhesions. Jonah had quite a serious case of phimosis. He gave us the after-care instructions and told us he wanted to see Jonah again in 3-4 weeks for a check-up. My brain had locked onto the words "number, level, adhesions." I said, "So, we had to do this then." It was a stupid statement, totally brainless; I knew it had to get done. I'd done research. We'd known it was necessary since Jonah was five days old. I think what I was looking for was reassurance that the pain that my son was going to suffer was needed, wasn't cosmetic but medically required. And Dr. Topley knew that that's why I'd said that. He said "yes. It had to be done. He was completely bound up." He reassured us that Jonah would be just fine, and that we'd be able to see him as soon as he started waking up.
We sat back down. I called Mom to give her the update. She told me that Matthew had been an angel - he always is for other people, lol - and that he'd been speaking 3/4 English and 1/4 Matthew speak all morning, and a lot of both. We hung up. I sat back down by Jeremy and reviewed the aftercare instructions in my head - which were identical to the newborn circ care. I made a list in my head of the stuff we'd need to get.
Finally - about fifteen to twenty minutes later, the nurse came for us. We had to stop at the restroom so I could pee - too much hospital coffee hit at the exact worst moment - and then we followed the signs to get to post-op. We could hear Jonah screaming. We got in the room.
His eyes were going in two different directions, but his howls were rage more than pain. His hand with the IV needle was strapped to some sort of stabilizer and wrapped in an Ace bandage. It was making him furious. He kept trying to claw at it. The nurse immediately handed him off to us - Jonah wanted me (mommy's boy) - and I started rocking him and whispering to him. He thrashed and roared and screamed and sobbed, and I couldn't help it, I started crying too. Worst thing to do, I think - I really didn't want him picking up on any negative emotions from me and feeding off them - but I couldn't help it. I'd been running on adrenaline, coffee, and steel will since Monday, and it all came down at once, at the sound of my baby in panic and distress. He clawed the needle out. They had to call a second nurse. He shook his hand and flung it, then bent and tried to claw off the hospital bracelets on his ankle. They turned the lights down and left us alone with him for a minute. I tried to get my crying under control - hell, I'm choking up now writing about it - while they were gone. The pre-op nurse came back with some apple juice in a cup with a straw. Jonah's tears and yells immediately ceased and he lunged for the cup with both hands. He sucked it dry, then thrust it back at her and started crying again. She stood there for a minute, until we told her he was still thirsty and wanted more apple juice. She said she'd just bring the container to pour into the cup, and then she'd let us get him calmed down for fifteen minutes or so before discharging us.
Jonah sucked down the second round of apple juice in about 90 seconds. I refilled the cup with water, which he immediately drained. I felt even more terrible for him - he hadn't been allowed any water since 5:00 am, and no food since 11:55 pm. Since he'd fallen asleep around 1:30, he hadn't had either since 11:55 pm the previous night. It was 1:20 pm. He must have been starving. To make it just a little more worse, he had gas from the air, and from his dinner the night before (beef stroganoff). He went back and forth between Jeremy and I for a while, then finally settled back into his drug-induced haze. We got him out of the johnny, peeled the electrode-things from his chest, and got him dressed. She came back and had us sign some stuff, and we were free to leave.
We stopped off at the Dollar Tree to pick up gauze pads, Vaseline, Neosporin, decongestants for me, and children's Tylenol for Jonah. They had everything but the Tylenol, so that necessitated another stop, this one at the grocery store by our house. And then, finally, at 1:45 pm, we had Jonah home.
The technical name for what was wrong with him is "incomplete circumcision" and "phimosis." Basically, it's as I described in my previous entry. Not enough skin was taken off, and his foreskin became too tight. Had we not had the procedure done, he would have developed difficulty with urination and with erections. He had already started showing the erection difficulty - little boys tend to get hard when they're having their diapers changed and when they're being bathed, it just happens. Jonah would get about halfway there, then make a grimacing face.
In uncircumcised boys, phimosis usually develops at the age of 2 and lasts until they are 12. Jonah's started developing between the age of 1-2 weeks. In other words, not good.
According to Dr. Topley, the phimosis went for nearly the entire length of his penis. In other words, had we not had this done, once he'd gotten past puberty, he would most likely have been unable to achieve an erection at all. (This is my inference from what he said and from my research.) Also, phimosis is linked to penile ulcers and, strangely enough, to diabetes.
It had to be done.
I have to keep telling myself this.
It had to be done.
I tell myself this through every agonizing diaper and dressing change. Urination makes him scream. Changing the dressing results in ten to fifteen minutes of heart-rending sobs. The fact that he has a cold on top of this all does not help in the slightest.
For the next two days, we have to coat a piece of gauze in Neosporin and wrap it around his penis. After that, Vaseline for a few more days. He has dissolving stitches (THANK GOD, I can't imagine trying to take him in to get regular ones removed). No immersion baths for a week. I'm going to have to try to get some dry shampoo for him, I think. I can't just wash his head over the sink - he won't stay still for it, he splashes water every chance he gets, and there's just too much risk for injury there. He has his re-check in 3-4 weeks. He gets two children's Tylenol meltaway tablets every four hours for the pain. (The proper dosage - he weighs 29 lbs.)
The next two to four days are going to be hell for my baby.
But it had to be done.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
And thank God and every deity there is from every possible pantheon that he won't remember it.
pre-op.
pre-op
post-op. Pretty groggy
post-op again. Enjoying his apple juice
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